HEADLINES

White House Woodworker Axed For Mounting Cabinet Secretary

Wealthy Kitten Devours Fancy Feast, Scoffs At Thought Of Entitled Ghetto Kittens

Kanye West To Be Guest Speaker For Class Taught By Kanye West

NRA Concedes To Gun Registry For African Americans

Short And Angry Ice-Cream Man Denies Neapolitan Complex

Cosby Stills Snatch, And Young

Last Kid Picked Dislocates Shoulder With Aggressive Practice Swing

Field Trip Takes Kids On Trip To Field

Isis Militant Gets Chilly, Warms Up With Afghan